well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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