So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
