the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
