I think im going to throw up on grandma
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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