I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
