just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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