Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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