I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
