You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Found your dick twin last night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
