You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
