shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
