Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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