so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
