If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
