my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
