Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
