Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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