So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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