Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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