Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
