Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
