my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
