my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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