Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
