sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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