Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
