he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
