How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
