I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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