i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i think i have two assholes
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
