i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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