If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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