Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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