Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
