There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
