On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
