If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
