the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
