Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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