I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
