Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
