Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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