I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
