He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
