I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
