First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
