we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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