I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
