I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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