Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
